Harpy says, “RUN!”

by on March 17, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Posted In: Uncategorized

Two days before my wedding, my friends got me drunk. When we got up the next day, I was still drunk. Rockin’ the shades, we arrived from the hotel to the house, where I got the wrath. Apparently, we were late for a family outing to San Juan Capistrano, an event that my mother had said was cancelled. So, the entire day before the wedding, I was “the asshole” and my friends were forever flagged as co-assholes, never allowed to be around me ever again.

The day of the wedding, it was windy. There was a harpist; I’m pretty sure she was playing Run To The Hills by Judas Priest and I should have listened, but I couldn’t hear a note. I was really nervous. Pictures of me revealed it. This was the beginning of an 11 year bad idea.

Plus side: I got two amazing daughters out of this and wouldn’t trade even one microsecond of freedom from the misery I endured for them. They are totally worth it!

Moustache Equals Bad

by on March 15, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Posted In: Uncategorized

I grew a moustache exactly once. It was not good. I looked like a member of the Village People. I think I have a picture of me with a moustache to serve as a reminder: Never Again.

Hills That Is

by on March 12, 2010 at 12:19 pm
Posted In: Uncategorized

Diabla was a few years older than me and graduated while we were dating. Once she was done with school, she thought California would be a good place to find a job in her career. We were also getting married and with her family all there, it made a lot of sense to prep for the wedding locally. I had my reservations about living with her mom. But, it was actually a pretty fun summer. I got a job at a movie theater for a few hours (until I had to pick up a soiled diaper). Then, I got a job at Sears in the Men’s Department. That was kind of fun. What did she do in California? She worked at a coffee shop. I’m pretty sure she didn’t apply for any “real” jobs in her field.

Anyway, Southern California is a wonderful place to visit. I wouldn’t want to live there permanently, but it’s hard to complain about in short visits. I went to Sea World, Knott’s Berry Farm, and Universal Studios. The one place I really wanted to go to was Disney Land. I should make a comic about that….

Signal Mirror Over Go

by on March 10, 2010 at 11:10 am
Posted In: Uncategorized

One day, I was driving Diabla’s Ford Explorer (her mother’s car). I had gone off to rent a movie or something. I was listening to Pearl Jam’s Elderly Woman Behind The Counter. It was raining, as was frequently the case. The roads were slick and had sand in the median. I judged my time to make a left and merge into the lane of traffic. I had to gun it a little. I gunned it in the median…in the sand…with the slickness from the rain and oil, and started to fishtail. I corrected the spin, but it was too late; I was headed directly into the drainage canal. I slammed into the ditch. I had to call Diabla from the gas station. Cops showed up. Car was wrecked. I wonder if that contributed to her mother never liking me?

Vitruvian Man

by on March 8, 2010 at 11:06 am
Posted In: Uncategorized

I had never been drunk in my entire life. This was the first time. I also rarely vomit. This is one of those times. After Diabla invited us over to party, I ended up dating her.